(continued from: The Friendly Skies http://wp.me/pDW6t-ds)
I was agitated. I was nervous. Mutton had ruin the preflight calm I so desperately needed. I was rapidly chewing my magic gum at this point. Everyone knows magic gum keeps the plane a float right? I wanted to add another piece, but I’d never done that before so I kept chewing the same piece, which was out of flavor before we reached the front the take off queue. The plane stopped. Then we started barrelling down the runway, we were airborne. I looked out the window, the houses were still normal size, I closed the shade, I closed my eyes and BAM!
Loud as day from underneath my seat. The plane started to veer to the right in a not so nonchantal banking motion. This is it, I had a good life, magic gum can’t save all lives, I can understand that, I can’t believe I’m going to die next to Mutton the Magician. After my heart rate caught up to my brain I realized we were still in the air. Magic gum don’t fail me now. Maybe if I hold on tight enough to my arm rest I can hold the plane together. Magic gum, check, Kung Fu grip, check. I heard out of Mutton’s mouth, his bruised ego needing to lash out, “We have a nervous flyer here! Afraid the plane will fall?” I wanted to slap him. I wanted to say something to him, but violence and speaking both required not chewing. Not chewing meant the plane would fall from the sky, and I really really didn’t want that to happen. I ignored Mutton’s comments.
Once airborne, I patiently waited for the fasten seatbelt sign to go dim. The clear cut sign my magic gum had worked and it would be smooth sailing the rest of the way home. The seatbelt sign never dimmed. The turbulance was by far the worst of any flight in my lifetime. I tried to read, I tried to go to sleep, I tried to watch the tv, every time there was a bump or nudge of the plane and I returned my focus to chewing the now tasteless magic gum. What I really needed was a drink, but I was sitting next to Mutton and the flight attendants clearly were not serving him or our row.
BAM! A second loud slam from the depths below and I thought I was headed for LOST. I decided, for the second time, if we were going down I was okay with it, but now if I was going down, I need to have some alcohol in my system. I hit the call button and ask the attendant for a bloody mary. Mutton tried to order. Mutton was systematically ignored. The attendant quickly returned with two blood marys and told me they were on the house.
Relieved I immediately took a sip from the first drink, only to hear Mutton ask, “Well are you going to give me my drink?” It took all 4% of the composure I still had left in my system not to gauge his eyes out with my spork. I turned and looked at him and suggested, not so nicely, that he try ordering for himself. “You heard me order, she accidently gave you my drink.” Mutton gestured as though I should know my place and hand over my second full drink. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t roll my eyes. I finished my first drink and handed the empty plastic cup over the expectant Mutton. What I forgot and Mutton didn’t realize was that my magic gum was safely placed on the side of my cup, exactly where Mutton grab the glass. Mutton looked ready to exploded, but I had matched crazy with crazy and Mutton knew it was time to leave me alone. I knocked back my second drink in record time, opened a new piece of magic gum and was out like a light for the rest of the flight.
Don’t mess with a nervous flyer.
Continued: The Friendly Skies (Part Three)